If I Was a Billionaire

10/26/09

If I was rollin’ in RMBs (Chinese currency-Renminbi) I would give Chinese people some serious gifts:

1) WD 40:  The terror of the shriek when a man puts on his breaks is a nail-on-a-chalkboard sound if I’ve ever encountered one.  The motorbikes and mopeds need some serious grease to run smoothly on the roads.  I could handle hearing less excruciating sounds on a daily basis.  WD 40 does the trick for us back home; it couldn’t hurt to use it here.

2) A lifetime supply of toothbrushes:  …and floss, toothpaste, mouthwash, etc.  The dental hygiene is nowhere near where it should be.  I am mainly targeting the audience I know best, children.  Just because baby teeth eventually fall out does not mean that kids shouldn’t take care of what’s in their mouths. (The responsibility lies with the parents on this one).  Although I have genetically cavity-prone teeth, I am proud to say I lost my last baby tooth in 8^th grade.  I’ve enjoyed brushing for years.

3) Have the entire city of Shanghai attend Traffic 101 classes:  This should really be my number 1.  The insanity that occurs everyday dodging moving vehicles is beyond ridiculous.  Automobiles, motorcycles, and bikes have right of way.  You basically have to have eyes in the back of your head to cross the street successfully.  Also, on the same note, I would have the almost 18 million citizens of Shanghai attend a basic etiquette class.  Manners aren’t available here.  Things that would be learned in this class: refrain from spitting, control the amount of unnecessary stopping in the Metro, CHILD SAFETY, learn how to wait in line, etc.

4) ‘Not Socks’:  Women wearing these halfy stocking thingys that Dillard’s keeps in a box for people to try on shoes is a fashion statement.  Just because they’re sheer, doesn’t mean I can’t see it.  I would love to give millions of ‘not socks’ out to cure this problem.  Or suggest going sock-less, even springing for band-aids on the ankles if blisters form.

5) A safety-approved baby seat (which is put on the backs of bicycles):  This should be a direct number 2.  The insanely unsafe, unstable, piece of nothing seats that people put their most priceless possessions in is mind-boggling.  There are no straps, no custom-fit, no nothing to ensure the safety of kids getting thrown off their parent’s bike.

6) Milk:  They like ice cream enough; they should love all kinds of milk.  They sell it in tiny cartons, they have little variety, and they don’t carry it everywhere.  The most disgusting part, some they sell on the shelf.  I don’t think that’s very natural.  Unfortunately this means that cereal isn’t prevalent here either.

7) Diapers:  Let’s do away with split pants exposing baby genitals and rears.  Poop on the sidewalk and other indecencies of the sort would also be lessened.  Diapers and whole pants would really do wonders for family and public life.  It would also scare a lot less foreigners to see a mother changing her baby’s diaper, not letting him do his business all over the sidewalk.

8) A standard U.S. umbrella:  Chinese umbrellas fold out and up instead of down and under.  They are less durable and hard to un-do.  The water gets trapped in the umbrella when you close it.  The logistics are a little off.  For the amount that it rains here, they need some sturdy umbrellas.

9) Have mandatory driving classes:  These classes would involve a written and driving portion.  A clarification of signage, rules about blinker usage, and caution regarding pedestrians would all be touched on.  And of course, when to turn your car off and on. 

10) The loveliest gift of all - Kleenex:  I’m tired of seeing loogies on the sidewalks, snot running down my kids’ faces, and lack there of paper products in general.  I’m all for ‘reduce, reuse, recycle,’ a theme we learn in my Book 8 class, but throw a girl a bone here!  The Chinese are terrified of getting the Swine Flu, so if refusing to take personal hygiene seriously could potentially become a problem.

Raincoat: Yuyi